hey it's getting to that time again...

Jym Dyer

> to post the cyclist's hagaddah!

=v= Well, since nobody else responded, I guess it falls
to the shabbas goy.
<_Jym_>

=> Newsgroups: rec.bicycles.misc
=> From: Claire Petersky <cpetersky@mousepotato.com>
=> Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 19:33:20 -0700
=> Subject: Cyclist Haggadah

All who are in need of spring training, come and ride with us.
All who are hungry, come and partake of our carbohydrate-laden
treats.

[The bottle of cytomax is held up and the blessing recited.]

The youngest rider asks:

1. On all other rides, we eat all kinds of bars. On this ride,
why do we only eat hard, unleavened Power Bars?
2. On all other rides, we might consume a wide range of fruits.
On this ride, why do we eat bananas?
3. On all other rides, we might not dip our bananas even once
in our gu. On this ride, why do we dip our bananas twice?
4. On all other rides, we ride sitting up straight. On this
ride, why do we ride in a reclining position on recumbents?

The answer my children, may be found in the story of Passover.

This is the power bar of our affliction, which our ancestors
baked 400 years ago.

Many years ago, we were slaves to our automobiles, driving
hither and thither, not knowing that a better way existed. If
the Holy One, blessed be He, had not shown us the way of the
bicycle, then we, our children and our children's children would
have remained enslaved to motor vehicle. Even if all of us were
wise, all of us understanding, all of us knowing the book of
Effective Cycling, we would still be obligated to discuss the
liberation through cycling; and everyone who discusses this
liberation at length is praiseworthy.

There are four types of children who ask questions on this ride:
the wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does
not know to ask.

- What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't
understand him either. Him you must send to a school for
gifted children.

- What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this ride to
you?" Because he excludes himself from the community of
cyclists, you must exclude him from your ride, and he will
go back to his employer and get paid double-time and a half
for working on a holiday.

- What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?"
You will say to him, "This is a bike ride."

- As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his
room, wake him up and say, "Next year, come to the bike ride
on time!"

These are the Ten Plagues which the Holy One, blessed be He,
brought upon the motorists, namely as follows:

[When saying the ten plagues, spill a drop of cytomax from the
sports bottle itself ten times for each plague:]

High gas prices
Congestion
Registration fees
Pollution
Pot holes
Expensive parking
Speeding tickets
Sedendary lifestyle
Obesity
First-born getting a driver's licence

How many levels of favors has the Eternal One bestowed upon us?

If we would be wearing padded bike shorts, but not have clipless
pedals, it would have been enough. If we would have clipless
pedals, but not at least Shimano 105 components, it would have
been enough. If we would be equipped with at least Shimano 105
components, but not a delicious post-ride dinner, it would have
been enough. If we would been served a delicious dinner and no
dessert, it would have been enough. If we would eaten dessert,
but not have a hangover from too much carousing, it would have
been enough.

(Pick up the cytomax and say Thus how much more so should we
be grateful to the Eternal One for the doubled and redoubled
goodness that He has bestowed upon us! We do wear padded bike
shorts, we do have clipless pedals, and we do have at least
Shimano 105 components (and some of us have Ultegra and even
Campy Chorus, and many other wonders), and we did eat a
delicious post-ride dinner, and we did get dessert, and now we
pray that we do not get a hangover from too much carousing --
let us say, Amen!

Thus it is our duty to thank, to laud, to praise, to glorify,
to exalt, to adore, to bless, to elevate and to honor the One
who did all these miracles for cyclists before us and for us.
He took us from car-driving slavery to bicycling freedom, from
steel-caged enclosed sorrow to the open road of joy, and from
bondage to redemption.

Blessed are You, our God, Universal Ruling Presence, who has
redeemed us and redeemed our ancestors, and enabled us on this
ride to eat power bars and bananas. So too, God, our God and God
of our ancestors, enable us to attain other rides and cycling
events that will come to us in peace with happiness, and with
rejoicing in Your service.

This year we watch the Tour De France in the living room, next
year may we see it in person!

(with a tip o' the hat to Akiva and Ilene Miller)


--
Warm Regards,

Claire Petersky