Divorce

mydaughterchili

Should I get one? I have two kids a 3 year old and a 3 month old. unfortunately my wife and i have been in a bad relationship for a long time. I come from two parents who were unhappily married. they would fight often and the tension would crush our family (i have 2 sisters). it was never physical but alwasy verbal and passive aggresive. my wife on the other hand, came from a family where they divorced early (she doesn't even remember her parents together). my question is, should i get a divorce? granted i will be happier, but will the kids? no matter what, i will do what is best for them....

willocrew

I'm not one to encourage another to file for a divorce, but having said that, I do not know the whole picture you're faced with.

The only piece of advice I can give is that marriage only works if you actively seek to make it work. A newlywed couple would have a very different understanding of love in comparison to a couple celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary.

With the newlywed couple, the passion, the lust, the romance is overpowering and everything is quickly forgotten/forgiven. But fast forward 2 years down the road when that whirlwind subsides, the honeymoon is over. Things pile up on top of one another you get bogged down. The kids come, you get bogged down even more. So where is the love??

The love is something you build over the years. It isn't something that happens overnight. Love at first sight really means lust at first sight. There is no love at first sight.

So as I've said, the best piece of advice I can give is to try to make things work. Its not going to be easy & there is no guarantee, but as you've said, it'll be the best for the kids.

Maybe try injecting a fresh perspective into things, and do things a little different in your marriage. Make the first move and see how your wife responds.

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Old World Monkeys, Lesser Apes & Cyclists.

Common trait? ~Ischial Callosities~ !!??!

jhuskey

Try counseling but if it just won't work you are neither doing yourself ,your spouse or your children a favor by staying in a bad situation.
Problems won't go away on their own and usually get worse if ignored.
Either way you decide to go spend all the quality time you can with your children.
I have been through this myself.

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Sobriety is over rated!

mydaughterchili

gracias, i know it's kind of wierd to ask for opinions of total strangers, but sometimes that is the best advice. we are going to start couples therapy next week. we both have a desire to do whats best for the squids. that is something we both agree on. we also believe the best gift you can give your childeren is a healthy perental relationship.. when the hell did i become an adult?

bkaapcke

As a former attorney who did about 300 divorces, I can tell you one thing; trying to stay together 'for the kids' doesn't work. It messes up the kids worse than splitting it up. However, you and your wife should get marriage counseling and make an honest effort to succeed at it before making the plunge. You do owe the kids a serious and honest effort. bk

kspangler

From my experience divorce hurts the children; but they can recover. How good the recovery is up to your effort in making it as painless as possible. I have three children and have been divorced for 12 years. One moment that I remember was going to pickup my youngest son in a parking lot one weekend. My Ex Wife and I got into a fight over money and I stormed away in the car. Looking in the mirror I saw my 6 year old son yelling, crying and stiff as a board with his arms above his head. I turned around and picked him up, but I have never gotten over that moment. I apologized several times to him, in fact asked his forgiveness just the other day.

Being in a bad relationship for the kids doesn't work. The kids can get through the divorce, but you have to help make it work. You'll be surprised that most of their friends have been through it too, so.....

Good luck and do what's best in your own mind.

Keith

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Keith

cuervo

My case, just my experience, says that if things are not working it's better to split, but do it with care.

My ex and I go trough the process following psychological council in order to affect the kids (twins boy and girl, age of 5 on those days) to the minimal.

My attitude all the time has been to be close to my kids, 4 years latter, I still go every morning after training (from 5:30 to 7:00 AM in order to be able to be with them) to pick them up and drive them to school.

Do what you have to do to protect them, but that does not mean that you have to live frustrated under a terrible lie

Just my 0.0000002 cents

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Sorry, English is not my primary language.

Farmguy

And if things go the divorce route.......never use the kids as a wedge, never bad mouth the ex in front of them, She is still their Mother and deserves that respect, as do you.


Good Luck, been there once, not a lot of fun

cuervo

Farmguy: That is very important and very true.

Another thing is that you have to make them feel that they are very beloved, so as your wife, and that they are not guilty of their parents separation, and believe me, it's very probable that they will think that.

Be strong and use your head, don't loose it and never in front of them.

It is a painful process.

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Sorry, English is not my primary language.

Bro Deal

A friend of mine was thinking about getting divorced. After talking to an attorney, who explained what he would have to pay in child support, alimony, and such, he decided that he could not affort to get divorced.

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"You are like the wind and I like the lion. You form the tempest. The sand stings my eyes and the ground is parched. I roar in defiance but you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, must remain in my place. While you like the wind will never know yours." -- Mulay Hamid El Raisuli, Lord of the Riff, Sultan to the Berbers, Last of the Barbary Pirates

weedvspeed

Aye. I remember reading a quote "marrige is like a tornado, it starts with a lot of sucking and blowing and then you lose you house"