Chuck Norris

mopar

1. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stares at it and dares it to grow.

2. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

3. Chuck Norris once took down a German aircraft by pointing at it and saying "bang."

4. Chuck Norris DOES believe it's not butter!

5. Chuck Norris once drove in a 24 hour race. He gave them a 23 hour and 57 minute headstart, he still beat all his competitors by over three days.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...twice...in 30 seconds.

Funny?

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The-tried-a-backflip-and-didn't-land-it-kid.

Cycle Dog

Chuck Norris punched a shark in the face after the shark cracked it's teeth trying to bite Chuck.

ghostpedal

Here are some of my favorites

1. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is!
2. Before going to sleep, the boogy man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
3. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.

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Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

9.8mps2

Excellent ! three I ain't heard !
I sure hope I have my credit card on me if I ever walk into a mall w/ Mr. Norris pitching an ultimate gym.

ghostpedal

Alright second post, but I love these things. You might have heard them, but they still crack me up.

• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
• Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
• There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
• When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
• In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said, "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
• Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
• Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!

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Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

Vino

Chuck Norrris went to the Virgin Islands. When he left, they weren't the Virgin Islands anymore. They were just the Islands.

TheBugGuy

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

More: http://web.archive.org/web/20060527....com/page2.html

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I have bugs.

Travis44

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, he goes killing.
When you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you, when you can't see Chuck Norris, you are seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

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Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take it's place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. -Lance Armstrong

Hypnospin

chuck norris discovered oprah.

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"The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present...As our case is new, so must we think anew and act anew"
Abraham Lincoln, in his address to congress dec. 1st, 1861

TheBugGuy

Being roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris was once the official method of execution in the state of Texas. However, so many people were commiting heinous crimes just for the opportunity to be roundhouse kicked to death by Chuck Norris, that George H. W. Bush ordered Texas to revert to lethal injection in 1991. This angered Chuck Norris so much that he roundhouse kicked Barbara Bush to death. The Barbara Bush we see today is a cyborg.

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I have bugs.

Maltese

Chuch Norris is my hero

DeathMitten

Did you people see the Huckabee/Chuck Norris ad?

Not to bring politics into it (I'm not a Huckabee man myself), but the ad is awesome:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjYv2YW6azE

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Sporting Goods

Scoreboards

lyotard

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

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"i think it would be a good idea"

-mahatma gandhi, upon being posed the question
"what do you think of western civilization?"

ghostpedal

I still can't get enough of these. For a real dose go to:

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

__________________
Help! Help! I'm being repressed!