NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYEES

Guest

NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYEES:

n.b. Strict disciplinary action will be taken against all offenders

SICK DAYS:
We  will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you  are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


SURGERY:
Operations  are  now  banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need  all  your  organs.  You should not consider removing
anything. We hired  you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.


PERSONAL DAYS:
Each  employee  will  receive  104  personal  days a year.
They are  called Saturday & Sunday.


VACATION DAYS:
All  employees  will  take  their vacation at the same time every year.
The  vacation days are as follows: January 1 and December 25.


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This  is  no  excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead  friends,  relatives  or  co-workers.
Every  effort  should be made to have  non-employees  attend  to  the
arrangements.
In rare cases where  employee  involvement  is  necessary,  the  funeral
should  be
scheduled in the late  afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour  and
subsequently  leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is  done  enough.


OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This  will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.


RESTROOM USE:
Entirely  too  much  time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.

For instance:
All employees  whose  names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose  names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If  you're  unable  to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to
wait until  the  next  day  when your turn comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees  may  swap their time with a co-worker.
Both employees' supervisors must  approve  this exchange, in writing. In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute  time limit  in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,  the  toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.


LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny  people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that  they
can  look  healthy.
Normal  size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get  a  balanced meal to
maintain the average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for  lunch  because  that's  all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


DRESS CODE:
It  is  advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If  we  see you wearing R350 Prada shoes & carrying a R600 Gucci bag, we
assume  you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need an
increase.

Thank  you  for  your  loyalty  to  our  company.  We are here to provide  a
positive   employment  experience.

Therefore,  all  questions,  comments,  concerns,     complaints, frustrations,    irritations, aggravations,  insinuations,  allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or  input should be directed elsewhere.


Have a nice week,
Management

;D