Redneck Letter Home

Yippie Kye Ay

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
Newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home,
So we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
Moved so that they would not have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
It works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
And haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time
For three days and the second time for four days.
About the coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
Would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
Them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
Because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it
Is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
Just like your brother….

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
Him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him
Cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety
Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because
They couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but
The envelope was already sealed .