some of my lame jokes

dh_devil

some are funny then others, but il post them all.

Grampa and Grandma were sitting a the table. Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
He says, "What was that for?"

Grandma says, "That's for 50 years of bad sex."

Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma upside the head.

She says, "Now what's that for?"

He says, "That's for knowing the difference!"





Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.


I got a sweater for Christmas.
I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.


A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-



While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.



Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.

"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on.

By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.

"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.

When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."

So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.

"What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady," God said. "I sent three boats!"



A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "it's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."



A farmer and his son were working hard on his barn when a city boy stopped to ask for directions. After helping the lost driver, the farmer went back to jacking up the small barn while putting blocks of wood under each corner.
The city boy just had to ask, "What are you doing?"

"Well," said the farmer, "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the barn each time he goes through the door and I just can't have that."

"Why don't you just dig a little ditch that goes under the doorway?"

The farmer said, "Thanks, I'll think about it" and the driver pulled away. As the car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his son, "Dumb city slicker. The mule keeps scraping his ears, not his feet!"



A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."



A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,"That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"




Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms.
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.
He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"



A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".


There is a sign in the drugstore window: "Condoms, custom fit."

So a man walks up to the counter and asks for a condom, like the sign says. The man at the counter tells him to see Edith in aisle 4. So the man finds Edith. Edith grabs the man by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says, "Medium condom. Medium condom."

Well the man is embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condom.

Later, a second man sees the sign in the window, and goes up to the counter to get his condom. The druggist tells him to see Edith in aisle 4. Same thing happens, Edith grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Large condom, this man needs a large condom."

The man is pleased, at least, to be a large.

Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to get a fitted condom, and is told to see Edith is aisle 4. Edith grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."



A woman has a baby by Caesarean section. After the operation, she's lying in bed in a small ward, so she calls a nurse and says "Nurse, can I see my baby? I want to see my baby!"
The nurse replies "Certainly, I'll have the doctor bring her in". A few minutes later the doctor arrives, standing in the doorway clutching the little bundle of joy. The woman's eyes open wide and she cries "My baby! Let me hold my baby!"
So the doctor replies "Sure. Catch!" and throws the baby to the woman. Since she's sitting in bed, the baby flies over her head, out the window above her, and falls 10 floors to splatter on the carpark below. The woman screams "YOU BASTARD, YOU KILLED MY BABY!"
The doctor replies "April fools! It was dead already!"



A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."